Sometimes I have this overwhelming fear that I will fail to let those know how I feel.. and an even larger fear that I will never find the courage or correct words to explain.
It never fails to surprise me when I go home for a quick visit from college. No matter how little I have planned it is a non-stop visit from this place to that, dinner to lunch, early mornings to bar hopping. I love getting to see everyone and it makes me extremely happy that I can do all that in a short weekend trip but it leaves me every sunday on my hours upon hours drive back to college world, exhausted and depleted. Not to mention this weekend I had an encounter with ’Dude’ (the guy from new years…) that was delightful. It really was, until he realized I wasn’t the shacking type at which point he became disappointed and stormed off.. stamping his feet the whole way. Ridiculous. How do I find these amazing men?
Found out a few more of my schoolmates are now engaged. And another just got married. It leaves me with such mixed feeling of excitement of being ready to start my life with someone special. And dread.. that I am finally to the age it isn’t a rare and horrible thing for a person of my age to get married and start popping out babies. Skinni made a great point today. She has a huge fear of once a person becomes married that your life becomes a sort of routine. To a certain extent I have to agree… but I am not sure if it is because of the ring on your finger.. I feel it is more of a stage in your life of obtaining that dream job of a 9-5 work day and no longer feeling the necessity to waste your nights bar hopping. I also ran into a parent of a friend I havent seen since Highschool. She gave me valuable advice. She reminded and confirmed everything I feel a marriage should be. Her husband and her went through a hard time.. sex is now out of the question.. she told me, ’ GPPH..make sure the man you marry is one that doesnt “require” the physical stuff, make sure it is one of substance. Find someone who makes your heart beat fast and slow, that you can build a life together that includes more than something physical. Make sure he is your other half, your soul mate, your best friend.’
This is something I want more than anything in life. I want a marriage that is strong and real life. Not a fairytale. To take the time to really get to know someone inside and out. I deserve that. The whole package. I had forgotten that. I had begun to settle for taking the backseat with the possibility that EVENTUALLY he would have time for me.. if he doesn’t have the time while dating, what on God’s earth would make me think he would ever make that time available for me once I was his?
Here we go, begining a new semester of fun! thus far SkinniBitch has started dating a new man.. who randomly had to go to a “far away place.” Which I have been making jokes at her expense endlessly.. mainly bc it sounds like a cop-out.. but she recently received a letter from there.. so I guess that means he wasnt lying?! (Just Kidding SkinniBitch) From what I hear he is a good guy.. and with him gone it makes me not the ONLY single lady left of our friends.. thanks for abandoning me guys. 
I feel as though I stalk SkinniBitch half the time out of boredom.
The good news however, is with the lacking social life I am currently experiencing my academic life decided to fill the gap. THANKS COLLEGE. and in between that I am kicking back up my health regime and participating in a charity run in a few months! I also think that I might start looking to volunteer again (I stopped in November due to lack of time) . I feel that maybe with the begining of the new semester and the amped up extracurriculars will help to fill some of the free time that I seem to have more than enough of.
Also, Looking at going to grad school! The more I look into it, the more I feel it is a path for me to follow!! *YAY*
bloggers. I have been desperately avoiding you,my family, my friends, and mirrors. I cannot look at myself without being consumed by feelings of question and regret. I cannot look anyone close to me in the eye for fear that they will see into me the exact pain and hurt that I have hidden. It has snowballed since new years, and I fear I have no way to stop it, to control it once again. When I saw Ricky every single string of strength that I had gained and spun together to create my road away from him was unwound. I have done everything in my power to keep pushing him out of my mind but it is pointless. I think about him without actively thinking if I don’t stay guarded of my inner thoughts at every turn. I can’t even daydream because the dreams always end with him standing there. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME! it has been almost a year.. and while our bumpy road makes it even more understandably difficult to let go; I should have long ago. It was like I felt that I had climbed this rocky wall full of dangers and questions. I felt I was almost to the top about to clear the horizon when Ricky steps in front of me.. tumbling me back to earth. I have no one to talk to because I know it is written all over my face. When I look back at New Years when Ricky’s father confronted me and explained Ricky still loves me more than ever.. I had to look down because I could feel his dad reading every emotion, thought, and feeling on my face.. in my eyes. Experts say talking about it is the best thing to do. It isn’t. All the girls know what I am going through but I feel anymore I just sound like a broken record and it will just add more judgement of him that I am soooo FLIPPIN tired of dealing with. I want to be able to talk and confide in my friends without further judgement to bare on my shoulders. I want to be able to speak from my heart, explain things without them looking at me like he isn’t worthy of these emotions he causes in me. (did I mention most of them have met him maybe twice. some never. but like I said one heck of a bumpy ride) He is a great guy. Possibly the right guy. I want to tell him, show him, confide in him everything. I feel as though I need him in my life. So I find small ways to talk with Ricky without showing any emotion at all. It is almost as though I am doing an intricate waltz around subjects, a puzzle to sidestep any suggestion of how I feel more than just friends. I don’t give way to any feelings or emotions I am having EVER. First of all, I have put him through enough.. I know I crushed him when we broke up and I know it took a lot for him to forgive me. But also secondly, I am not ready to allow him ability to crush me AGAIN. To step back into a situation that thus far has only gone in circles. If I knew he would commit to me the way I deserve I would go back in a heartbeat. But I also know this isn’t something you can ask of a person , they need to WANT to give you the world. They need to WANT to love you at any cost. So I keep searching.. and burying my feelings along the way.
Recent events and conversations with Bbdoll and the ladies made me pose this question. Is Love Still Enough? I am a hopeless romantic and want to believe with all my heart that love is enough and that a lifetime together without love is a VERY long and empty way to spend your time. After talking with Bbdoll, who is now discussing her future with a man who has a reputation of that of a player and “man-whore”. his actual words to describe himself, no joke! I can’t believe that after all the searching she has done she is ACTUALLY wasting her time on him. I make sure she knows she can do better!! other than that I just tell her what I know about the skeeze… what his history is.. and advise her to stay alert. WHILE she would be telling me to get the heck out of dodge this whole time if the roles were reversed. I am slowly finding that my overly pushing friends (LOVE YOU ALL) .. are a little.. overly pushy. So I am trying to lead by example and back off the judgement; or at least save it for my blog. Now on to the next friend.
OOO SunShine. How much I try to like your man. HOWEVER, recently I have found reason to believe that you like him for the nice guy he is even less than you let on!!! He will provide, he will deliver, he will support, he will be faithful. But if he doesn’t give you butterflies.. but treats you as the royalty you are. should you stay with him? Even if when you kiss your heart doesn’t feel as though it beats fast and slow at the same time, your breath momentarily leaves your body, and your head feels suddenly fuzzy making your knees go weak? I SAY NO! .. Sometimes I feel I stand alone in this day and age in that opinion, however. Because the reality IS that he will be there always and she, like many, has lost faith that a poetic, mindblowing kind of love exists. I do! I have seen it first hand in other friends, I have felt it first hand, AND I have watched that kind of love stand the test of time; time and time again!
Finally, SassyRed found the most amazing man. For this or that reason her friends didn’t like him. Didn’t feel he was commited enough, that he had messed up too much, that he didnt deserve her! which is probably true. But what man does deserve one of my amazing friends! So after months of ‘dating’ him, she breaks it off. Saying if he cant commit fully then she has to walk. Looking back I think they had this kind of love that you search for your whole lives. I hope that I am wrong but feel that Im not, that I need to encourage her to repair the relationship, to give it another try. maybe I am crazy. Maybe I do meddle too much. But what if Im right?.. thats the question I cant get past.
So why do we settle for less than that amazing love we hear so much about all our lives?
Why would we ever let it go once we find it?
lastly, is it still enough?
I am a blogging fool right now. I have no other way to have my feelings out there. To logically figure out how I feel. Maybe that is my problem. Feelings rarely follow logic at all. Feelings are a whole different category; seperate from logic. I am sitting here searching, waiting, and healing.. or attempting to. But all I can think about is that I am looking for someone to love me as Ricky does. Someone for me to make me feel the way that Ricky does. Someone I know I will be happy with forever… as Ricky would. But at the same time all that fills my head with these thoughts are those of how he will hurt me again, which he will. How much he has hurt me already. How he did not appreciate me, how he did not do or say the right thing EVER! but at the same time.. he is human, my friends dislike him. my parents do. my siblings.. not so much. but so much has happened. Sometimes I feel as though we were together when we were to young. too much has happened. but I dont undestand why I still have these feelings.. quotes like you have the exact love life you desire, and if he wants to see you he will. and things friends have said to me. things he has said. things i have said. all destroy my inner confidence in myself to make judgements, to follow my heart, to even realize what makes me happy when it concerns Ricky. For some reason, I equally lose and feel as though I find all sense of self when I am around him.
how is it possible for a man to make your brain into a pretzel! I cannot think for the life of me figure out how I am so full of advice and opinions on what to do with other people and situations.. but I CANNOT have an opinion when it comes to Ricky.. I have been stuck around him the past three days. all I can think about is him. And how I shouldnt Love him. And how Much I still Love him. And How much it still crushes me to see him. Taking my breath away, making my knees weak, and my heart drop to my stumach all in the same second.
All I wanna do is run back to college and not have to see, hear, think, or feel anything dealing with him again. Everytime I try to do this though, everytime I plan to the T not to see him, Everytime I stop myself from calling or texting him. It just seems to destroy my efforts because he shows up anyway. Right there in front of me. more real and more crushing than the last time I remember being around him. What is wrong with me. Everytime I think I have taken a step forward in moving past him… I get sucked back to reality.
What an eventful night!!! Not only did I share a classy bottle of champagne (ANDRE)with everyone but made them let me pour it into their mouths.. bc “The SWINE is going around” what?! who does that? me thats who… Later after the house gathering we headed up to a local bar… excellent idea! ran into Ricky, my ex.. and his ENTIRE family.. his dad and i chatted to which he apparently had told me that Ricky still loves me. awesome. But be proud of me my blog readers I did not kiss, shack, or well i did flirt, but only a little and bc he did first! as if my life wasnt complicated enough!
My grounding of men is finally over and after scoping out the mc.hotties. of the place I settled on a guy who actually had the nickname of… wait for it… DUDE! who has that name? seriously!! Later that evening I kept things classy with sticking my cazoo between my cleavage.. if anyone tried to grab it I would smack their hands, blow the cazoo in their face, turn, and walk away. I ended the night with a big finale of emptying my stumach in the mcdonalds drive through.. EMBARASSING. after nights like these I wonder how I have friends, and why do they take me in public!
I dont like eating after I rid my stumach of food when I am drunk so instead of just putting me to bed SweetPea and SassyRed made me a bed on the bathroom floor made me change out of my super cute and comfy dress and actually put clothes on. then force fed me bites of mc chickens.. bc I didnt want to eat. bc I had just been sick. makes sense to me. but good friend points for them anyway! fastforward to the AM. I had apparently found the bed. SweetPea wakes up and runs out of the room.. confusion. comes back and says GPPH i peed the bed. I just say okay and roll over to go back to sleep. SweetPea goes ‘NO. I PEED THE BED!!!! THAT MEANS YOU NEED TO MOVE TO THE COUCH!” me, still drunk and half asleep doesnt comprehend what she is telling me but still gets up and moves anyway.. we found SassyRed on the couch curled up in the most humanly impossible ball… the whole rest of the couch is perfectly empty and ready to sleep in.
TO CONCLUDE. I am still trying to figure out if this is going to be a good year or a horrible train wreck of a year.. stay tuned.
