Sometimes I have this overwhelming fear that I will fail to let those know how I feel.. and an even larger fear that I will never find the courage or correct words to explain.
It never fails to surprise me when I go home for a quick visit from college. No matter how little I have planned it is a non-stop visit from this place to that, dinner to lunch, early mornings to bar hopping. I love getting to see everyone and it makes me extremely happy that I can do all that in a short weekend trip but it leaves me every sunday on my hours upon hours drive back to college world, exhausted and depleted. Not to mention this weekend I had an encounter with ’Dude’ (the guy from new years…) that was delightful. It really was, until he realized I wasn’t the shacking type at which point he became disappointed and stormed off.. stamping his feet the whole way. Ridiculous. How do I find these amazing men?
Found out a few more of my schoolmates are now engaged. And another just got married. It leaves me with such mixed feeling of excitement of being ready to start my life with someone special. And dread.. that I am finally to the age it isn’t a rare and horrible thing for a person of my age to get married and start popping out babies. Skinni made a great point today. She has a huge fear of once a person becomes married that your life becomes a sort of routine. To a certain extent I have to agree… but I am not sure if it is because of the ring on your finger.. I feel it is more of a stage in your life of obtaining that dream job of a 9-5 work day and no longer feeling the necessity to waste your nights bar hopping. I also ran into a parent of a friend I havent seen since Highschool. She gave me valuable advice. She reminded and confirmed everything I feel a marriage should be. Her husband and her went through a hard time.. sex is now out of the question.. she told me, ’ GPPH..make sure the man you marry is one that doesnt “require” the physical stuff, make sure it is one of substance. Find someone who makes your heart beat fast and slow, that you can build a life together that includes more than something physical. Make sure he is your other half, your soul mate, your best friend.’
This is something I want more than anything in life. I want a marriage that is strong and real life. Not a fairytale. To take the time to really get to know someone inside and out. I deserve that. The whole package. I had forgotten that. I had begun to settle for taking the backseat with the possibility that EVENTUALLY he would have time for me.. if he doesn’t have the time while dating, what on God’s earth would make me think he would ever make that time available for me once I was his?
